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she's the epitome of bittersweet.
03.09.2006 | 12:52 pm i feel a bit ill today. i really should be going through some of these boxes, but i'm just too sick & tired. i need a shower, too. i'm planning on getting one of those in a short while. i hate getting showers when i'm sick. our water smells weird & it sometimes make me vomit. stupid water. my FAVORITE kitty in the world - mr. melbert meloy: wild west cowboy died monday. i cried. A LOT. i ran to the road [6:30 a.m.] & carried him back to the front porch, where i sat for about 30 minutes, bawling my eyes out. i loved mr. melbert & will miss him dearly. we buried him & flowers were placed upon his grave. i know, you probably think it's alla bunch of silly nonsense over a dead cat, but mr. melbert was more like a child to me than a cat. R.I.P. i've been having tons of self-image issues lately. & issues concerning a lot of jesse's ex-girlfriends. i think they might be connected, personally. i look at them & i look at myself & i KNOW i'm better for him than they could ever be. i love him. i treat him right. & i would never do anything to hurt him. but i can't help wondering if they're more beautiful than me. i've always (in the past few years) considered myself a fairly attractive person. i've NEVER had a bulging belly or mishapen body. i have NEVER not been able to pick up almost any outfit & fit into it, minus the obvious, it being a size 2, or something. even my "skinny" friends were jealous of my figure! i have this stupid hormonal change affecting everything too. my hair gets greasier, my back & shoulders (which i have NEVER had a problem with) is covered in tiny zits. my face is breaking out more & oilier. i just always feel like a nasty, ugly mess. i haven't gained much weight (only 3 pounds) since i found out i was pregnant, but my tummy still grows & makes me look like a monster. i have 3 little stretch marks across the front of my tummy & i HATE them. i don't know if they'll ever go away. i'm sure i can expect to add quite a few more since i'm only starting my 6th month now. i can probably expect to gain plenty more weight too. i'm judgemental about looks. i'll admit that. i'm not superficial, just judgemental. & his ex's, while facially & (BEFORE) bodily were no comparison to me, now look like they could be models, in comparison. i know i'm a beautiful girl, inside, even if not out, but i like being pretty outside, too. i depend very much on my looks, i hate to admit. & although i complain ... wouldn't mind seeing the fellas eyes start to wander back to me again. not because i'm interested in them, but because it would make me feel 1,000 times better to know that if someone else could find me physically attractive - my fiancee HAS to find me attractive! because he not only sees my physically, he knows me personally. & all those girls just did him so wrong. i don't understand why he would compare me to them. that makes me sick, honestly. i am NOTHING like them. & if i ruined his life, i didn't do it because i wanted to (like they did). it was purely an accident & he's as much to fault as myself. i NEVER once fathomed the idea that he ruined my life or that my life was even ruined. sure, it's going to change, but change can inevitably be good, i've learned. i love him & want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him, but sometimes the things he says & does makes me wonder if he feels the same way. this is a terrible time to start doubting our relationship, but what could make him feel or think that way boggles me. you don't think compare the one you love to all the other ladies in your life who did you wrong. or ramble on about how she's treacherous & destroyed your life. nor, do you try to take away everything she has & put things like this on her mind when she's at her emotional breaking point. i'm generally a very happy person. i really am. i try to find the best in everything, but i don't even know where to start trying to find the best in those remarks & my disfigured body. it's beginning to storm here. i should shower. i turn 18 in like, 2 weeks. i'm not as excited about it as i thought i would be. i guess because i have everything i thought i would start getting at 18 - true love, a family, the start of MY own life. but, i don't smoke anymore, so i won't be celebrating with a pack of smokes. ha. i quit smoking before i could legally buy cigarettes. that's a laugh. |
