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They call it suburbia not 'where it's perfect', because it's a combination of the word suburb & utopia.
03.22.2005 | 12:52 am I've been thinking about a lot of stupid shit lately. Things that have little or no relevance to my life at all. They're just something to ponder while I sit around eating flamin' hot cheetos & watching McCauley Culkin movies over & over again. Today is my birthday. It seemed to me that instead of me celebrating my birthday, that maybe my parents should celebrate it. I mean, they're the reason I'm here. They should celebrate having me & all the bullshit that I've put them through & it should be a big family outing. At least that's my opinion. I always feel selfish on my birthday, which is why I hate it. So, I'm a year closer to death. Great! I did get fairly random, but nice gifts. I got my cake too & that made my day 34297975 times better. WITH SPRINKLES. What?! My grandma bought me a shitload of make-up. Crimson red lipstick & mascara that seriously makes your lashes look fake. & a make-up bag that says 'MARK' on it for some reason with a HUGE eye. I like eyes. Another thing I was thinking about was my sexuality. I suppose if you want to get technical, I'm bisexual. I do find girls very attractive, a lot of times, I find girls more attractive than men. I have not only a physical attraction, but a sexual attraction to females as well, although I've never really engaged in any sexual activity with anyone. I've kissed & made-out with girls, most of them drunk & uh, had a 'pussy massage' from a lady, but aside from that - nothing. I can't really imagine myself seriously dating a girl, simply for the reason that I prefer the other person to be more dominating than me. Personally, I think it would be really fucking hard to find a female who could dominate me, but with guys, I seem to allow them to dominate, because it's what I like. I like to feel like someone has some sort of control over me & also I like dick. Not to say that I wouldn't give dating a chick a try if something ever went wrong in my current relationship, but I doubt it would progress into anything meaningful. So; I really need to get my shit together too. I've been saying that for awhile now, but I think I have incentive to do so. Or I could be bullshitting myself all over again. Jesse's mother is pissing me off. All I want to do is see her son, fuck him, kiss him, & fall asleep in his arms, then I'll send him back to her. & she won't let me. I feel degraded. I'm high right now. & I just ate the most amazing piece of cake ever. I chose a really bad time to get high too, because my parents just came home & mum freaked out over something & all I could do was stare at her after she asked me a question. I was just like, 'Yeah.', which was way off, because she asked me why I turned the heat up so high. Duh, I was cold. Jesse told me a lot of shit I did when I was tripping that I don't remember doing. Woah. He told me I was talking about building something & I said all the people in the towns & villages would travel near & far to come see it. I'm kind of glad I rambled about shit like that, because I, apparently, envisioned different conversations in my head. I would have sworn I lay on the floor & rambled for hours about how much I was in love with him. Embarassment, if I did. & if I didn't & conjured that up from some sort of half-reality, half-dream state, I hope I never get fucked up enough to say all of it. I did ask him to marry me though, which was weird, because I so like 'dreamed' that. I talked to Amanda today. That made me really happy, because I haven't talked to her in a very long time. She's so fucking beautiful. If I did decide to date a chick, it would be her. Sorry, ladies, but she was my first love. Really. I wish I was kidding. I talked to Justin tonight, too. That was fucked up. He's fun to talk to for the most part though. We talked about his band & some shows he's going to - like THE MARS VOLTA - & we shared secrets, kind of like olden times. He kept making up hypothetical situations. Jesse left me at 11:24 on my birthday. That's ghetto. & gay. Kind of pisses me off. I do believe the fucker is getting tired of me. But, that's okay. I have cake. Hahahahaha. Fuck it. It's not okay. I kind of wish I could compile my thoughts better & maybe stay on the same subject for more than 8 seconds, but I probably can't. Oh well. Heather sent me this card thing in the mail that was so fucking beautiful. It said some shit about how she was glad that I was born because she couldn't imagine her life without me in & if that didn't rip my heart out, that fucking violin music in the background did. So, I got sappy & told her not to get me a birthday present, because her being my best friend was the only thing I really needed. God, I'm such a loser. I meant it, but that's so not something I would say. I should definitely try to open up more & let my feelings free. Fly away, little feelings, fly away. Thank you, Andrew. & congrats to Sarah Beth for getting back together with Phillip for the 30 millionth time. Here's to hoping it works out. |
