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you are the only thing , the only thing that he has left
02.26.2005 | 4:28 pm hm. i don't really have a purpose for this thing anymore, so i think i just might ditch it. it's served it's purpose & served it very well, but i don't really like it anymore. it just seems to lead to me going back & reading about things of the past, which are of no good use to me now. i might still add a thing here & there, say playlists or pointless surveys, but aside from that (unless i get uber enthused) i probably won't say very much. well, maybe. who really knows, eh? my grandfather passed away recently & it hasn't been the easiest thing to deal with. i normally wimper a bit & move on with my life when people die, but he meant a little more to me than the run-of-the-mill person. if anybody, he probabaly inspired me to be outspoken & honest & to live my life in the way that i saw fit, regardless of other people's contradictions. i knew him as a person, but beyond that, he's a complete mystery. he had told me silly stories of him being a cook for the navy & working on a boat & i thought they were just that - stories. apparently not. he was really in the navy & all those places he said he had visited, well, he really visited them. i guess i should just take things for what they are & not try to dismantle them so much, if i hadn't thought he was making up stories to entertain me with as a kid, i might remember them better. if i had engaged him in conversation instead of wondering, i might have known more about him. i guess his death may not be the thing that bothers me the most, just the fact that i really didn't know the man that died. i knew the grandpa who lay bed-ridden for the past few years, chain-smoking, & asking me for a 'yankee dime' whenever i came for a visit. things with jesse & myself are very good. he's coming to visit soon & i can't wait. i think i've honestly found that person. yeah, that person. hm. i think i've grown up a lot over the past year or so. not to say i'm cold & rigid & can't have fun, i've just grown. realizations & responsibilities & the like. i'm not a little kid afraid to be alone anymore. i'm not too worried about moving out & getting a job & handling the responsiblities of an adult. it's not something i greatly look forward to, but it is something i want to do. i don't want my parents assistance, either. i want to be completely independent. or not. i have no idea. actually, i guess i'm just as confused as i was when i started this goddamn thing ... just about different things. it's not so much boys & clothes & depression & friends, anymore. i guess i should have enjoyed that while it was still around.
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