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so long, bitch you did me so wrong.
01.02.2005 | 12:54 am i DID finally get out last night. andy showed up around 9:30. we went to heather's & chatted for about 2 hours. it was grand fun. james was at lance's so we decided not to go just yet. i spent my actual new year's in andy's truck, riding to meridian, talking about navy bases, dogs, & women. cheers. we didn't even know. we, being me, andy, lance, & a random black guy who's name i did not ever hear mentioned, sat around at lance's house, drinking & talking about penis pumps, james, techno, naked men, & lance's sexy body. (which he oh, so does have.) eventually we all migrated into lance's room & lay on his bed listening to finch. no one really talked. then we did. about lance. he's adorable, yo. for real. & intimadated by the sex with vaginas. we decided to leave around 2:30 & head back to newton. (i had called heather earlier to make arrangements to stay the night with her.) to put it mildly, me & lance sucked face all the way from the meehan exit to spanky's in newton. it was fun, fun, fun. we reached heather's house & i kissed him g'nite, gave subtle hints about numbers that lead to me, & went on my way. i sat outside & smoked a cigarette, then proceeded to knock, then hit, then bang on the door, until brittany finally answered. i went in & changed clothes & was about to lie down next to heather, when it occured to me i should call my mother. i did & it was no fly with her, so she was on her way to pick me up. mind you, it was almost 4 in the morning. i changed back into my former clothes, told brittany i was leaving, turned out all the lights, & locked the door behind me. i left my rings on her coffee table. i decided it would be a bad idea to let her mom find me gracefully sitting on her doorsteps at 4 in the morning, smoking a cigarette, with liquor on my breath, so i started walking uptown. newton is oddly calm at night & creepily reminiscent of a ghost town. all you can hear are dogs barking in the distance as you pass, traffic lights ticking, streetlights buzzing, & your own feet shuffling the ground. i coughed & it echoed throughout the entire town. cops passed me & gave me the looks that cops give you. i hid behind bushes the next time a cop passed by. it's the most disgusting feeling in the world, but somehow it felt right. it felt like the world had swallowed me up & i was going through the digestive system, yet for some reason i felt so right in the moment. the kind of moment you never want to leave. i decided it best to sit on the ground by the conoco & greet mom halfway. she stopped; i gathered my things & sat quietly in the truck. she yelled & grounded me, which will last a total of -- until i want to go somewhere again. i told her i was completely sober & met a boy. she listened, quite intently, actually. & we talked all the way home. after i got home, i changed clothes AGAIN & retired to the couch, where i watched roseanne. my all-time favorite show, probably. & eventually passed out watching dexter's laboratory. i slept 'til 4 p.m. & would have probably slept longer had the dog not attacked me with tongue & drool. i haven't slept that well in months. & i probably won't sleep like that again. i think it was that feeling i got. that feeling of acceptance & completeness just from kissing that strange boy. knowing that someone, anyone, could find me partially attractive & choke down their vomit long enough to kiss me. maybe i'm not as disgusting as i find myself to be, but i also guess that's the price you pay for living with your own self. & i toast you 2004 - you taught me a many bad things about myself, you brought me good, true friends. bad relationships. the ending of a once beautiful romance. boring addictions. ruthless enemies. & most of all you let me get to know myself & accept myself, even for all the dirty, rotten things that i intentionally do. i toast you - the best year of my life so far. & with a new year comes the same problems. happy january 1, 2005.
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