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It's too late to find a better way out of this. With the finest regards that I lost in the cracks of this street.
12.16.2004 | 7:19 am I'm that person who randomly calls you out of the blue "just to chat" & then innocently wiggles their way into your life & slowly, but surely takes it all away from you. & gives you a new one. Ironic, huh? I do that, though. I just kind of borrow people's lives until I find someone more interesting. I never really realized it until it was so horrendously pointed out to me. I never really did it intentionally though. I thought I just liked having friends. But, I guess becoming friends with someone for personal gain isn't really "friendship", but ... it is to me. If kissing someone's ass will get me something, I so desperately want, I'll apply my lipstick & kiss until they have my lip print engraved on their ass. No dignity. No pride, although I prided myself on having lots of it. James is supposedly half-dead or something of the sort. He keeps calling me to tell me about it or something. As if I'm supposed to care? What the hell can I do for him anyway? Not a goddamned thing. I'm really sick of being just used & then forgotten until the next time. I'm really happy I can give you a nice rush of endorphins & I'm happy she can too, but, you know, it kind of does piss me off. The both of you. That's a-okay though, cause I'm a firm believer in revenge. I burned this mix cd last night that's just everywhere. None of the songs really got together at all. See: The Midnight Mystery Massacre Mix I really, really need a pack of cigarettes. I do believe I shall hit the fada up for a pack later (if I'm still awake). I had this epiphany thing last night. It was great. I was so ecstatically happy for about 30 minutes just thinking about it. The whole idea of the epiphany was that, you only live once, right? Right, unless you believe in reincarnation, which I don't. Anyway, since you only live once, you should live your life according to you & do everything you could ever dream of wanting to do, because shit, you're never going to be able to do it again. You might as well enjoy yourself while you're here, instead of living your life to please other people & make something fo yourself. None of it's going to matter in the end. A la bullshit from the mouth of miranda. I'm not so hapyp about all of it now, though. I guess the initial shock of realizing my life is, indeed - my life has kind of worn off. Aw well. I watched one of my favorite movies the other day. I have absolutely no idea why I like it either. Maybe because Robert Downey Jr. is undescribably attractive. But the other guy can't act worth two shits. Aw well. Everybody watch Less Than Zero. & What's Eating Gilbert Grape?. & goddamn if I don't watch way too many movies. I always said to everybody, "I don't want to die. I'm perfectly happy." Yeah, well, bullshit. I'm not. I'm pissed & lonely. & heart fucking broken. & to hell with everyone & everything. I still don't really want to swallow down a bottle of pills, just to wake up in the hospital with my parents yelling & my stomach aching, but I don't think I'm that far from being that desperate either. I don't really want to die, but if it coincidentally happened, I can't say I'd be that disappointed. So much for being chipper, eh? down the street the corner boys fuck shit up. |
