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& you should know - only you control my heart.
10.18.2004 | 1:36 am I miss Justin. Go ahead, hate me for it. I can't help how I feel. James called me earlier tonight. He was drunk. He's stealing my role as the burn-out, over-medicated, alcoholic, angry, significant other. Ah well. He admitted beautiful stories to me. Heartbreak. And again, I miss him. I dont want to, but it's just something in his voice when he calls or leaves a message - I know he misses me too. But we're not together. I don't think we ever could be. We're too different. But we still love each other. And we're not over each other. At least I'm not over him. This is going to take a lot more time & a lot more drugs. & a lot more James. Tish came over. She just left awhile ago. I wanted to ask her about her dealer, but I didn't. I don't know why. It's not like we don't each other do it. It's just kind of an understood thing. She's pretty. Just because she's normal and down to earth. Her kid, Chase, drives me insane. He almost broke a string on my guitar. He spilled 4 drinks & an ashtray on the floor. He ate my candy. I want one. I love myself so much that I hate myself. I hate what I was, I hate what I am, and I hate what I'm becoming. Why the hell can't I just be happy with everything? And now James has me thinking I'm schizophrenic, but he's wrong. Just because I hear things and see things that aren't there. Just because I talk to myself and go through everything I'm doing in my head in detail. Just because I think I'm the only person that really exists. Just because I believe in aliens and conspiracies. No. I'm not schizo. I'm perfectly normal. Everybody else is just too normal. Too boring. Death Cab for Cutie & Sparta are slowly becoming two of my new, hip favorite bands. Even though they aren't new at all. Nor, hip. They're just spiffy listening.
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