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I've got a bad feelings about this. To hell with you & all your frieends - It's on.
10.03.2004 | 7:22 am Wee! I just had the most beautiful weekend of my life. Why was it so fucking beautiful, you ask? Oh, let me count the ways! I spent it with the charming James, Amanda, Dusty, Damien, & Jen. My favorite people in the world. [ahem] Amanda spent most of her entire weekend with me. We shared a kiss. James & I shared plenty. And further details on the oh, so exciting occurrence that made me shake & shiver - with a smile, when it's "official". Goddamn. That's all I can say. Brittany's life is ostensibly falling apart, but she won't tell me what the hell is going on. Like it's some great secret. When on this phenomenal, aqua sea foam colored globe have I ever shared another's secrets? C'mon. Only for blackmail. Or if they didn’t specify no sharing & peace offerings weren't made. She should tell me. I could help her out in countless different ways. Amanda & I finally admitted our undeniable crushes on each other last night. It was in an awkward manner as well. We were having a conversation about ourselves in third person & I said, " Well, there was this one chick I really liked, but she was also my best friend so I doubt I would ever have a chance in hell with her." And a few other things were said, but all I heard her say was: "Maybe she felt the same way & just didn't know how to tell you or give you a signal." And I smiled & all was right in Miranda's world. James & I had brutal disagreements tonight, because, because, because - well, Miranda's a bitch. I intentionally push him to limits just to see what I can do. To see how angry I can make him. It's insanity, but I want him to hit me. I want him to yell at me. It's a fucking expression of passionate love to me. & I'm aware of how fucked up of a version of "love" I have, but it's my own. It's what I need to make myself feel better. Girl's really do want to be treated like shit. They don't want the prince in bright, shining armor. Hell fucking no. They want the prisoner in the barracks that will rob them blind & break their hearts. Why? Girls are dumbasses. No other explanation. James said that I was stupid. & ignorant. & malicious, I do believe was the other word. And he told me to never manipulate him with emotions again. That's impossible & he knows it. All this over a goddamned $10. Amazing. Let it be known, I did get that $10. But, because I'm not as merciless as I thought I was - I gave it back. & was rewarded kindheartedly with a $4.00 funnel cake. Wee. I hate the way I write. Not physical handwriting, but the form in which I write. I fucking hate it, because no matter what I say or not matter how I describe or emphasize something, I feel like it's not good enough. Maybe it's the whole "you are your own worst critic" bullshit. or maybe I really do lack talent. Actually, I know I do. I lack talent regarding everything I attempt, because if I don't altogether apply myself, so I won't be disappointed when it all falls to pieces. And I'm not an intellectually deep person. I am ignorant & stupid. & an egotistical bitch. I'm superficial. I'm fragile. I'm useless. I'm abandoned. I'm slightly impulsive. I'm ignored. I'm terrified. I'm a conformist. "I'm disgusted with you." & that's all I heard. My heart broke with 4 little words. Four fucking words. Meaningless from the lips of anyone other than you. But you ... you have a way with words. |
