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She's mad at the world because she's a girl & that's what all pretty girls do.
09.14.2004 | 3:05 am Like seriously, you have no idea how bad of a person I am right now. I'm wretched. I should be shot. I probably will be. I'm so going to die by my own workings. Why does everybody hate me so goddamn much? And before you start thinking I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm not. I'm just aware of much everyone is against me right now. Goddamn, I'm against myself. I've royally effed up my life, because it's what I'm good at. I'm good at making other's feel better at my own expense. I do things to make other people happy knowing goddamn well that I'm overstepping my boundaries, or putting myself in positions that I can't get out of - I'm a happyaholic. I get my jollies from other people being happy, but I also get much pleasure from ripping someone to pieces. I guess it depends on my mood. I should be locked in a mental institution somewhere. I really should, for the sake of myself & others. I've gotten to the point where I analyze everything. Every word. Every tone of voice. Every glance I get from a person. I analyze the way James holds my hand. I analyze the way someone answers the phone. It drives me insane. Sometimes I feel like a completely different person inside my body. It's hard to explain. I feel like I'm on the inside looking out through someone else. I control what I do & say, but mildly ... understand? I get withdrawn. I get pathetic & beg at the thought of James leaving me. I am pathetic for begging. I honestly can't take being alone. I can't take living with everything in my head. I really fucking hate myself. You know all that loving yourself bullshit I say all the time? Yeah, that's bullshit. If you love yourself, fantastic! Keep doing it! I don't. I say it to keep me from killing myself. And fuck people thinking I'm crazy, because god fucking damnit, I probably am. So what? You are too. I do so many things with no reasons or reality behind them. I flip my hamburger meat over to spread the condiments evenly. I wear ponytail holder on my hands to keep me from slicing my arms. I won't eat vegetables because I think I'm eating a person. I'm simply depressed right now. No other word for it. I have extreme highs & extreme lows. Obviously, we're at a comfortable low right now. I'm manic depressive. Surprise, surprise! I'm supposed to be on medication. I'm not. I don't particularly like feeling numb. I don't really like being this mean to myself either. I'm just gonna curl up & sleep for a while. No, I'm not gonna commit suicide. I may be a drama queen, but I do want to live. I just want to live ... happily. Happily ever after. Uh oh, codeine, my love. And another nosebleed. Fuck man. Everything's wrong with me. And I did the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do. I let his lips caress mine in a manner that made me happy. That made my world melt for a temporary moment in time & then it ended. My world shortly after. The resurrection, the aftershock, the consequences. The death of me he will be. They will be. I know now. It wasn't what I wanted. It was generosity. Sharing. Nothing more than a glance between strangers married once in a life already passed. One day I'll explain why I write those vague plots. Until then, be jealous that only 3 people can decipher it. Goddamn. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. I love you.
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