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i need you like water in my lungs.
08.27.2004 | 4:15 am I like my whole monsoon phrase. You remember the one about "When it rains it fucking monsoons?" Because that's exactly what it's doing. All right, So Justin breaks up with me out of some cruel, manipulative, joke. I almost OD & fuck Mike &/or Phillip. I break up with my best friend, because my mother threatens to divorce my dad if we don't stop hanging out. My mother discovers I am/was sexually active. I date some psychotic loser in an attempt to get cigarettes and/or drugs free. My new best friend runs away to Florida to chop down trees with an ax. I have brutal stomach pains that turn out to be a cyst, which should be able to be treated by medicine, but doesn't seem to be working. My mom fucks up her hand & has to have an operation. My dad fucks up his shoulder & is in the process of having an operation. And today my grandma dies. Postively, I have James. James makes me very happy. Probably the happiest I've been in ages. Don't tell the boy this, for it might inflate his ego to the point of combustion. However, I have mental issues that I'll probably carry to the grave. We were getting ... happy tonight and fate decides that I should think of Mr. Dick. Mr. Dick, of course being Justin. So, I get spastic & stop, tell James to fuck himself and run into another room. Why? I have no idea. I just felt like I was cheating for a whole 10 minutes and it upset me. We talked. He understood, or at least said he did. He's jealous. This bothers me. Why must all mean be jealous? It's a fucking disease. I kissed this gorgeous chick tonight. Her name is Tonya. We exchanged phone numbers, but James asked me not to pursue anything with her. Crazy. I probably won't, but there's absolutely no harm in being friends with the pretty lady. She's married, by the way. With children. No, she's not old. I also hung out with Aaron, Arron, however the hell it's spelled, who I think has this hellacious resemblance to Chris Cornell. No one knows my sex obsession for Chris Cornell & no one ever will. He gave me a lot of hugs and made James mad at me. Sigh. I have the strangest way of dealing with problems. It's called - Ignore them! I do this relentlessly, because right now my life is just drivel. I have no ambition. I have no cares, worries, emotions. Anything. It's like I could kill someone and not even blink. Not saying that I am, just saying that's how pathetic & heartless I've become. Damien's coming back Saturday. He wanted to "escort" me at the funeral home, considering he's my closest guy friend, aside from James, who knows my family none at all. Although, my mother hearts him because he makes me extremely happy. But, I remember a long time ago asking Justin if we broke up if he would at least, in respect of me & my grandma, to come to the funeral, or at least the open casket ceremony thing. And he said "No." And I think he's a dick. And right now I haven't the slightest idea why I ever loved him, cared about him, or even bothered to stay with him. I honestly think I was somewhat brainwashed into believing I couldn't get anyone else or that he was the right person for me, but you know what? He's not. He was right. And I'm taking his advice of moving on and finding somebody that I'm interested in & care about & it seems to drive him mad. Because not once has he had anything nice to say of James. Despite the fact of them supposedly being friends -- before we started dating. Goddamn. Confusion. Brittany wanted me to travel to an Academy football game with her. Wee. I want to go & see my new found old friends, yet, I have to attend funeral services. I hate funerals. I love[d] my grandma today, but I seriously, don't think I can take seeing her lying there & getting hit with the realization that she's gone. That's what I hate about it. Knowing that the person lying there isn't a person at all, they're just matter. Bone & skin. They mean nothing. It makes life seem sort of pointless. I think too much. Or too little. Well, it's late & I ramble far too much. So I leave you with this: I live in notes and photographs & everything I'm holding back. Like all the words that weren't enough. You remind me of a song I used to love.
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