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He believed in two things - faith & me. Me? I don't believe in anything.
08.19.2004 | 11:21 pm I had strange dreams of love, sex, & pink newspaper boy hats. I was driving to Justin's house to get my stuff when I saw Ashley Bitchcraft walking down the road & as much as I hate the midget bitch, I ignored her & continued on my way. I never got to Justin's house, but the cops stopped me & told me to stop threatening Ashley's life & drama went down. I got arrested & this sexy male soap opera star came & bailed me out & took me with him to Las Vegas, where I ran into Heather & Jeremy. I moved in & Heather disappeared, so it was just me & Jeremy. He treated me like a queen. I finally got sick of being catered to (right...) & came back home. I decided to throw a party & Justin showed up ... in my pink & white plaid hat! I always found him oddly attractive in that hat. Anyway, I said something to him & he replied with the sweetest comment I'd ever heard, but I don't remember what it was ... we both cried though. I then got drunk off my ass. My closet doors magically turned into curtains & my closet was a room. But, I was in the back being raped by this guy & he kept saying "You got fucked over, but I got the pretty girl." I "woke up" in my bedroom & was trying to find Justin, but all I could find was Chris & James, so I ran outside just in time to see his van pulling away. My dreams are always big creeps. And they depress me. I spoke to James today, finally! He's actually a pretty amazing guy. And what else did he do that made me want to fuck him? He played "Dramamine" by Modest Mouse. And we spoke of books, movies, poetry, sex, and bisexuality. He's honestly a male version of myself, except girlier. I want to "break up" with Chris. I'm not too certain how we ever ended up going out, but I don't have feelings for him. And honestly, the thought of kissing him somewhat disgusts me. I shouldn't be disgusted by that if I had feelings for him, no? While James is the total opposite - I had thoughts of having my way with him in the tanning booth several times that night. And no, I am not a whore. But there's no sense in being silly about a stupid, little break-up. I admit I was crushed at first, but I'm over it thoroughly now. Justin will always be my first love, my first lay, and my first loser, but if I can't have him then I'll have to settle for 2nd best. Or 1st runner up, rather. My problem is I'm 77% positive that James is planning on using me purely for sex ... & my other problem is that I'm probably so strung out & distraught that I just might let him. Maybe I am turning into a whore, but it's only because my self-esteem & reasoning techniques have been crushed beyond recognition. I would say shoot me, yet again, but I'm so sick of being a teenage cliche. If another person calls my fucking house, I will revoke their manlihood. And if it's a female ... Come with me tomorrow? I'm so sick of my telephone(s) ringing. I was on mom's cell phone, the house phone was ringing, & my dad's cell phone was ringing. I'm going away for awhile, okay? Damien shoudl be coming home sometime this week or next. Then he's off to Alanta, GA. But not before he gives me my "presents", then it's Miranda's Night Out - hence the importance of it, because of the capital letters. Man, I bet we all get arrested. I watched this incredible movie today called Wide Awake. It was about a little boy's search for god. It made think about my life & stuff. It's still making em think, so obviously M. Night Shalayman (sp?) knew what he was doing. I only mentioned the name, so it would be easier for you to find, fool. |
