 |
|
So hold this grudge. It's the last of me you'll ever touch.
07.26.2004 | 8:12 pm Gee, it feels like it's been a really long time, but I guess it hasn't been that long. Wednesday: Wednesday was sad. Justin brought me all my shit back and in return I gave him all of his. I cried like a bitch for 3+ hours and called Jesse, I believe. I stayed up all night and got Damien to bring me cigarettes. Now it's Thursday. Thursday: I think I slept. I wanted someone to come over but mom was being unbelievably mean, so I just slept. And watched cartoons. Oh, and I had to work in the chicken house for about 2 hours. My god! how I hate chicken houses. . I don't remember exactly when though. Friday: I think I also called Justin this day to ask him to bring the stuff that he gave me that I gave back to him ... back. Yeah. Somehow Shaunna came over and awoke me. We did stuff, but I don't remember what. Saturday: Shaunna rearranged my room early Friday morning. And we called Damien and conviced him to drive all the way from Chunky to Newton to bring us breakfast. He did. We walked to the end of the road to meet him and pretty much hung out there for 3+ hours until my mom came and cordially invited him to our house. So, he comes to our house and him and Shaunna practically fuck on my bed while I'm watching. This was unnerving and caused all sorts of fucking mental breakdowns. So, I mentally broke down while they "fucked" to Coheed and Cambria, which made it oh, so worse. (for unspeakable reasons.) I was sort of drunk of my ass in a non-alcoholic way, so I made all kinds of ass of myself. I sang, I danced, I shoved my tongue down Shaunna's throat... and Damiens, I stripped, and I have no idea what else. He left around 1:00-ish and I don't remember what we did. But I remember Justin calling me before I left. I don't remember what I said though, so I probably didn't even get the main point of the convo out. Friday night or Saturday night: My day's are confused so damn bad. We finally went to the mall. Damien was supposed to meet us there and he did! I ignored him because I didn't want him there in the first place, and she took my lead. So he drove to Meridian after no sleep that day to hang out with two girls who basically said, "Fuck you!" Some guy who works at a jewelry stand asked about me and Justin and I told him we were divorced, so he invited me to hang out with him at his show at the Underground. He's a DJ or something like that, so "Sure", I said. I got my ears pierced there too. Three times. Once in each common place and once in the cartilege. Hurt? Never! I want so many more. We left the mall and went to Wal-Mart, I forget the purpose. We walked around and saw people we knew. Black guys hit on us. Random people talked to us. We were both in need of a cigarette, so we ran outside and talked for awhile. Shaunna hit on some 26 year old guy and it was FUNNY! Black guys offered us $420 to go with them and that was risque. Phillip appeared and we were happy. Phillip asked the inevitable question and I explained and he was like "Damn! So ... I can get your number?" and he got my number. And he hugged me a little too long, but I think he was just messed up. We walked around the parking lot, but we saw Chris' truck, which forced us to hide in mom's truck the rest of the time. We got food, came home, and slept! Sleep long, long time. Sunday: Shaunna had to go home because she was in trouble with her dad. So, I went with my dad to take her home and then to Meridian to the hospital. Shaunna's brother gave me an earring to wear in my cartilege piercing deal and it's cool. She borrowed my CoCa CD, for a small fee of 5 cigarettes. We left there and went to the hospital to take Lori. (She takes care of my grandma.) We get there and damn near everybody in the family is there. I hate my family, so I run around the hospital trying to find food and Lori follows me. We went outside and I smoked and we talked and she's damn cool. I wish she was my mom. My grandma's in really bad condition though. The doctor said they didn't expect her to live any longer than this week, if that long. I'd be so messed if something happened. I know this sounds weird, but I would want Justin to go to the funeral with me. He wouldn't have to say anything or be of any moral support at all, but for him to just be there with me would make me feel a lot better. But I probably won't ask him. I have no right to. Sunday night the only eventful thing that happened would be Phillip calling and keeping me up 'til 3 a.m. He told me Lulu's bisexual, which means I have a chance with the beautiful girl. And he told me how people really feel about Wretched Flamingo, the stories I've never heard. Wow. Justin? Only mentioned what ... twice? Well, yeah. He's over me by now, so I cna be over him. Even if I'm not. I don't have any reason to put myself through all this emotional bullshit. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me and hell, no other girl he's gonna find will put up with all the bullshit I did, so I know that I loved him. I held up my end of the deal and tried to make things work out. He didn't and I know he's probably happier now, because to be honest, I am too. I'm still sad when I think about him, or when I'm lonely, but I think about all the things he did that brought me down and how I was practically depressed 24/7 and I'm not now. I'm still depressed, but in different ways. I'll never be over him, but he's always over me. I saw his van at the mall Saturday. I, being overflowed with anger hit the back window. I thought I broke it, because it made this awful cracking sound, but I didn't. I walked away, but Shaunna did something to the front. I haven't the slightest what she did. And if I was a little more pissed off and immature I would have probably busted out the back window and wrote ASSHOLE across the windshield in lipstick. Bitches, I don't take things well. |
