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She just
01.19.2004 | 11:52 am I think I discovered that the combination of sleepless nights and medication makes you think more than you should and brings up some sick, twisted memories that should be forever kept locked in the back of your mind. Exactly where they've remained for the past 6 months. I got off the phone with Justin sometime last night. I don't really know when, but he said that I said "goodnight" and all that jazz, so I believe him. I guess I passed out with the phone in my hand and woke up [I'm estimating] about 20-30 minutes later and hung up and went to get a drink. I watched TV, commented to my mom on a few things, moped around the house, and got online. I haven't slept since sometime yesterday. I feel sort of pissed off at myself and everyone else. Okay, my whole "drug-free, med-free, alcohol-free" spree has been broken. I'm not sure how I feel about it either. I've concluded I'm a really fucked up person. Be it with my family, with my friends, with my boyfriend, or in my own fucked up mind. In general, I'm fucked up. I don't hate my life and wish I was dead. I'm not that negative, although I do have my moments, I just wish I could make myself and things better. I just don't really know how. I think I realized that I prefer to stay "drugged out of my mind" than to face everything and deal with it like a normal person. It's freezing outside, but quite toasty in here. I'm in a T-shirt and I feel rather warm. I'd like to be outside in the cold, but oh well. I just want to know how it's possible to trust someone? I have a really big issue with trust. You have to work really god damn hard to get it in the first place and if you break it...it's basically gone, unless I have a soft spot for you. And god only knows I have too many soft spots for Justin, and he has the same for me. It's pathetic how much trust I have in him. On a scale of 1-10, I'd say he has has a trust amount of 5. So that means 50% of the time I trust him and the other 50... I don't. Fuck this. I don't want to talk about it. It'll all be better tonight once I talk it out with him. Maybe. I don't really care too much, anyway. Yes, I do. I think. Goddamnit!! "He thinks the singing on Sunday gonna save his soul now that Sataurday's gone and sometimes he thinks that he's on his way, but I can see that his brake lights are on." |
